Revisiting Deep Point of View on Chapter 1

I sometimes feel like I don't get it. I mean, I think I do, I work pretty hard on my writing, but then I get feedback from my readers that shows I didn't get it... really.

Case in point - I got recent feedback that showed I still didn't really get Deep Point of View (DPOV). Now, this could someday become a fad among writers, but the idea of letting the reader get a more subjective, visceral experience from the character's perspective does make sense.

Sojourners, my current novel-in-progress, is written in close 3rd person perspective - meaning I'm following only from my lead character (actually, I flip between two main characters, but in different chapters!). Anyway, it's key that I garner an interest in the character, but I write my character from a very objective perspective. That comes from my habits when I was screenwriting - namely NEVER write what can't be seen or come across in dialogue.

So, unlearning and then learning.


Here is a before with comments from my reader:

Michael looked up through the clear skylight at the daytime Milky Way from beneath Beta’s six massive metallic legs as Vivaldi’s “Spring” played over the speakers. The brilliant yellow sparks from nearby fabricating stations jumped joyfully with the music and played with the Milky Way nimbus covering half of the sky visible from the window, bringing light to the dim factory floor. The sparks also added a metallic tang to the air that, like the music, most of the workers had long since learned to ignore. He wondered if the pattern of the dancing sparks were his own imagination or the result of the worker’s (“workers’ ” I think you mean - otherwise it is confusing) subliminal associations with Vivaldi. Either way, how could the workers not appreciate the beauty they helped create? Michael suspected he was the only person who even noticed “The Four Seasons” in the background as he lay under the right forefoot of his MW-501 “Beta,” planting diagnostic sensors between each of the six flexible yolk yellow foot pads.

GE Comment : I suppose you are using the music as a way to “lighten” his character, but I couldn’t buy into it here for some reason. He doesn’t seem to feel the music, just to think about it. In fact, although you describe his feelings in the paragraphs below, you don’t have him feel them : he “realized his playing guitar made him…”, his “misery-inducing siren’s song” - we don’t feel along with Michael, instead we are asked to observe him feeling stuff, hence, I think, my inability to identify and like him.

As you can imagine, having a reader not empathize with a character because they can't get what the character is "feeling" is a big deal and doesn't spell success for publishing.

Now, so you know, I've been making a number of changes to my chapter one to get it ready for my recently hired editor, but I definitely wanted to do a better job with DPOV. So below is my latest opening to Chapter One:

            As Michael Walker watched Tomas toss scraps to the feral swamp kitten near their table, he was again reminded of how much he looked like his grandfather Miguel. The realization caused him to take a breath and his stomach to flutter. It’s been over four months. What kind of grandson am I?

            He answered the question inside his own head – A very busy one.

            “Snarl to Michael…” Tomas said. “Where’s your head?”

            “Grandfather Miguel has a standing promise of chicken carnitas and homemade tequila,” Michael said. “If I play my guitar for him.”

            “Sounds good,” Tomas said, tossing another scrap. “You know what sounds better? Saying ‘yes’ to me.”

            A light flashed in the cloudless sky.

            They both looked up, seeing movement between the daytime Milky Way and the rising Fox moon.

            “I haven’t seen it shoot down anything in two months,” Michael said.

He tried to trace the target, since he couldn’t see the invisible orbital defense system. Was the alien technology sentient? Does it even regard us or is it simply an automated system? After two hundred years, still no answers…

Tomas snapped his fingers at Michael.

            “Meteor or probe?” Tomas demanded.

            Michael glared back at him.

            “Probe,” Michael said curtly.

Now, a reminder of DPOV was a book I'm reading on my Kindle right now - namely, Writing Deep Point of View, by Rayne Hall: 

http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Deep-Point-View-Professional-ebook/dp/B016FLA282/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1450913667&sr=1-1&keywords=writing+deep+point+of+view 

So I hope I'm finally getting it and will make my story more appealing.

Here's hoping...

The Cover's the Thing: Part 2 (Final Product)

As you know, I contracted a great artist, James Christopher Hill, to do my cover for Sojourners. I want to show you how it turned out.

First of all, the process was both challenging and rewarding, since James had not had a chance to read  the first half of my novel, upon which the cover is based. It was a matter of my description and his interpretations.

So we discussed that it was a "living building" in the sense that it was designed by advanced aliens who wanted it to be self-maintaining. James wanted to add a dimension where it could generate its own power, which I thought was interesting:

Next, we both discussed the idea of the sacred. James and I were both into the relationships between music, mathematics and art. James had been doing research into this area for years, so he started looking into sacred geometry and was inspired by the following images:

We next began talking about the setting and how it would have stood out against the flames and destruction of war.

As you can see above, he added the quad copter(s) and accompanying buildings.

As you see here, he added other alien structures surrounding it, but also see how the sacred numerology is added to the building structures. He also added a view of the Milky Way and the two moons of Snarl. (Notice the Fox face in the nearer one).

Throughout this process, James and I are interacting on this as a collaborative project - not simply my dictating. My image of the Cathedral was much simpler and more primitive, but James's own research added new levels to my world and story I will now begin incorporating.

There were many other steps in the process, but the above is my final book cover.

James incorporated his designs into the font, the war graphics and created a stunning, very eye-appealing cover I tink will hopefully draw people in.

I will have James print a poster for displays and I will also have him print a larger image of the alien city itself for my wall!

Thanks again James!